The family court 0f Australia is in dire strife with cases increasing by almost 20,000 in the past decade. Legal fees are up around $5billion per year and its become a lawyers picnic.
If you want to get divorced now, it will cost you and your loved one an average of $40,000. A rather large investment for something that doesn't work anyway. If it did then 75% of divorcees wouldn't keep doing the divorce thing again and again would they?
Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming divorcees for their predicament. We are all encouraged to believe in a system which is not interested in actually preventing divorce, even though people live more happily than ever if that hiccup is not escalated into the War of the Roses. Divorcing people are being ripped off in more ways than one because they don't know what else to do.
So they decide to put themselves at the mercy of a secret court system that fails to delivers value. Here's an example that demonstrates how common sense goes out the window in a self-serving system. A mother who abandoned her first daughter when she was 2-years-old and who was described as having displayed dreadful, cruel and malicious behaviour, was awarded custody over a father who was described as no threat to his children, a successful parent who is courteous and intelligent.
Why? Well you see, this mother had refused to allowed this man access to his children so he had not seen them for 4 years. The court, in a display of it's special brand of wisdom, ruled that because of time spent apart, it was in the children's best interests to spend no time with the father.
Normally psychologists would have a big say here so this end result would be coming from recommendations based on god knows what premise. Perhaps the court professionals needs to study up on the relationships between parents and children because damage has been done to those kids and the damage is now set to continue.
The Family Court of Australia is just not able to deal with family breakdowns.
It is time that people started to say ... "enough! I am not getting divorced because divorce sucks ... it doesn't work ... instead I have to take responsibility for where I am and to deal with it ... because that does work!".
People get divorced because they think they have to. Lots of professionals think the same. Yet that's about as far from the truth as you can get. Some families do need to split up but not 50%. 5% or 10% perhaps but 50% says there is something wrong with the system and this is causing too many people lots of unnecessary suffering.
I just needed to get into trouble
For many years I have worked with people who become their own worst enemy. These are people who work very hard to achieve in life, only to do some really stupid things that undo all of their good work, just when they are about to make it!
Just recently I worked with a man who had overcome a very challenging situation is his marriage. His wife was unhappy and was seeking companionship elsewhere. When the man discovered that another man was interested in her, his emotions went through the roof. In a rage he went to where his wife was at the time, walked into the house and assaulted this other man. He told his wife that he never wanted to see her again but she jumped into his car, refused to get out and ended up going home with him.
The man was subsequently charged with assault and although this process that dragged on it bought the man and his wife closer together. They are and now together in a relationship better than either of them could ever have previously imagined.
But that is not the end of it
2 years down the track and the man was under extreme emotional pressure. His father had been on life-support and had passed away plus financial disagreements that the man was having with an extremely unethical business partner came to a head. The situation reached boiling point when the man went to the to his business partners factory, took some equipment away and told his business partner he would he would give it back when his business partner paid back the money that he had stolen. Problem was that the man had done something illegal (theft) and the police became involved.
Once again the man was facing police charges.
What's so fascinating is that the man told me he felt an inner need to get into trouble. He explained that things have been so good that he didn't know what to expect. What confused him was that he got into trouble with the police, he felt somehow better.
I found this to be an absolutely fascinating example of a phenom are which comes up time and time again from people who have let's say difficult backgrounds.
Here's what the man worked out. It was like it was when he was a child. Way back then the people who loved him inflicted him with pain as they emotionally and verbally abused him. So being in trouble was a place where he felt safe. How about that!
This is why we as adults need to be aware our inner emotional conflicts; because one way or another emotions are expressed and without awareness it can be very destructive.
The Cost of Divorce
I was talking to a Family Lawyer earlier today and she told me that when it comes to finances, the most stupid thing a person can do is get divorced.
This is pretty obvious when you look at the enormous divorce settlements of celebrities like Tiger Woods, Greg Norman and Mel Gibson. However, although the rest of us don't have those $figures to contend with, divorce is still a very expensive and painful process to go through.
This lawyer told me that even the so-called winners end up financially struggling for at least a few years after and that selling the family home to pay for the divorce, with nothing left over at the end, is very common.
Of course there is a much better option to divorce; one that leaves the family's wealth intact. The problem is that this gets lost in the emotion of divorce and when people finally do see it, it is too late.
I always used to think that relationships were a bit of a mystery. Not any more though. Relationships don't make sense all the time because they are emotional experiences, and when the pressure is on, people make emotional decisions.
Don't know if you've noticed but, if your like the rest of us, when you're at your most emotional, the decisions you make tend to be pretty crappy. They are not logical and too often, downright destructive. If you want to be in a relationship that really works, one that makes your life better, then be emotional by all means ... but don't make decisions until your intelligence is in control
Get your emotional act together. Emotions have their place that's for sure, but they do make lousy decision makers so you have to keep them in check.
Being in the Right
This is a couple who are heading towards divorce, even though neither of them wants to be divorced. They're both excellent parents and underneath they really do love each other. They just can't see this because they have become obsessively negative.
If they don't change their ways then divorce is a certainty. They have become so negative to each other that everything said was construed as an attack by the other persons.
The offending issue was extremely trivial, as these things normally are. In this particular case the husband needed new batteries for his torch, and the wife purchased new batteries but they were the wrong size. That seemingly innocent little mistake became a catalyst that turned into a major confrontation. The husband accused the wife of deliberately purchasing the wrong size batteries just to cause an upset, while the wife accused the husband of once again not appreciating her efforts to please him.
The realization is that past a certain point, divorce becomes like a runaway train; almost impossible to stop until it crashes and destroys something valuable. My friend of his wife are locked into a position whereby each is totally committed to finding faults in the other, and to protecting themselves from being found out by the other person. The result was a totally toxic confrontation, with no possibility of a positive outcome, and another certain step along the road to total marriage breakdown.
It really was a living example of that proverbial question, "Do you want to be right OR Do you want to be happy?"
Relationship Challenges, they can all be fixed!
Have you noticed that both your best and worst behaviours are saved up for the ‘love of your life’, and that you will do things and say things to your life partner that you would never say to anyone else. Have you also noticed that you are willing to accept more toxic behaviours and more toxic communications from your intimate partner than from anyone else.
You probably answered yes to both of those questions, especially if you are in a high functioning relationship.
You see, great relationships are about personal growth and development and this means dealing with your most personal issues. The more intimate you and your partner become the more you each become the trigger for the other that brings up the secrets, the denials, the irrational behaviours and in fact both the best and the worst you’ve both got to offer. This is both awful and wonderful.
It’s awful because who wants to feel that way. Let’s face it, most of us spend a lifetime trying to avoid having to deal with these issues. It’s wonderful because once you know the issues that you’ve been carrying around, you can get rid of them, once and for all.
Invariably the issues date back to your childhood, so they’ve been there for a long time. There’s nothing like an intimate loving relationship to stir them all up and of course the experience can become very emotional. But once you deal with these things, they are gone forever. And that’s not only a huge relief but it leaves you with so much more energy. You may even start to clearly see how, without realising it, you’ve been putting lots of your precious energy into keeping these things hidden for years. When they are no longer there, all that energy becomes available for you to do other things.
So the next time you are thinking that perhaps this life-partner is not the right person and that maybe you’d better bail out before it get too much, just keep in mind that getting rid of the one person in your life that triggers your issues is most likely to land you right back to square one; sacrificing all of your energy and success potential to spend your life pretending that everything’s just all OK. Once you really know how, you’ll find that you can live much better than that.
Happily Ever After … Fact or Fantasy?
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Love is all I need to have a successful, happy relationship. Love is enough in the beginning, but after a while the relationship needs more. So there’s work to be done and if and your partner are unable to work together to grow and develop, the future can quickly become grim. Sure the songs we hear on the radio, televisions shows, and movies tell us that being blissfully in love is enough, but to be healthy, relationships in the longer term require much more than that.
Two people automatically grow closer with time. This is something that does in fact happen, but it’s not always a pleasant thing. When partners feel closer towards each another they are certainly going to come up against some rough spots and before ‘the wonderful’ comes, the challenges have to be conquered. Once you get over the challenges life is usually quite good ... at least for a while.
Children bring a couple together. The biggest challenge a marriage has to face is children. Wonderful and special as they are, they also bring pressure into the relationship and if something is not quite right, then children will really bring this to the surface. Its when the couple are able to resolve whatever it is, that they feel closer together. Statistically, couples with children have a slightly lower rate of divorce than childless couples.
I can change my partner. People change; however, the most accurate prediction of the kind of companion your partner will be in the future is the kind of companion he is right now. Those who marry a person with the intention of overhauling their personality or of converting them into something else invariably face serious disappointments. Great relationships are collaborative efforts in which both partners are dedicated to improving — as individuals and as a couple. The only person we can really change is our self.
It only takes one partner to wreck a relationship. The breakdown of any relationship is the responsibility of both partners. Healthy relationships serve the needs of both partners and it’s when this stops happening that the challenges begin. The relationship comes undone when both partners are unable to work together so that both partners have their needs met. Anything less than that is unacceptable in the longer-term and one or both partners are going to rebel in some way.
Being in a relationship will end loneliness. The fact is, many people in a relationship are still very lonely. Loneliness can also be the product of believing that no one understands you, so that you can have that "sick of being lonely" feeling even in a relationship. In fact, many married people describe themselves as lonely either because they are not emotionally close to their partner or because they depend on their partner for most or all social contacts.
A successful relationship is one where there is no conflict. Couples often enter a relationship believing that arguing is bad. They expect things to go smoothly, with maybe a few minor bumps along the way. Then they run into the familiar struggles over money, sex, children, or sharing responsibilities. If you don't recognise that all couples confront these problems, you may feel that something is wrong with your marriage. Quite possibly, the main problem has to do with harbouring unrealistic expectations and therefore feeling disappointed.
My partner should know what my needs are. In reality, most of us do rather poorly when we try to second guess someone else or try to “read their mind.” But the responsibility to let your spouse know what you need and want ultimately rests on you. Give your partner feedback and clues so he or she can have the information needed to make different choices.
Having a good relationship is just luck. The most common reasons couples have long-term marital success are commitment and companionship. They understand that their ‘happy’ marriage takes work, dedication and commitment to each other. The happiest couples are friends who share lives and have compatible interests and values.
Don’t fight in front of the children. It can be valuable for children to see their parents work through a disagreement with goodwill. Kids also need to learn the reality that even people who love each other don't always get along perfectly.
Penn't Up Anger
So Sean Penn is in the news again for an emotional outburst. The gossip has it that he had some sort of altercation with Greg Shapiro the current partner of his former wife, and new Oscar winner, at an Oscar after-party. I don’t think Penn’s behaviour is cool in any way and he would do well to do something about it!
Penn declined to attend the all important Governor’s Ball, held later in the evening. As a past Oscar winner, he would have been one of the chosen ‘elite’ to be there but again, chances of him running into Shaper at the ball was on the cards.
In February this year, Penn, 49, was charged with misdemeanour battery and vandalism following an incident involving the photographer in October last year.
What most people don’t realise is that with a bit of work, people can beat the outburst before they even happen. Penn has a history of violent confrontations with photographers and he is a person making some pretty poor decisions because of his emotions.
I think if I were to ask Sean Penn if his worst decisions were made during times of high emotions, he’d probably say yes and he is certainly paying a heavy price for his actions.
Emotions are a great resource when you have them under control. But when they take over, things can get very messy. The problem is that what seems to feel like a great idea at the time, too often turns out to be intellectually stupid when the dust settles. Once we ‘cool down’ we very quickly see the outburst for what it really was; an emotional expression of patterns of behaviour which we can trace all the way back to when we were developing children, so when our emotions take us, the adult, over we end up acting like a child.
Apart from being a bit embarrassing, out of control emotions are a very destructive way to live. The damage includes things like being passed over for higher positions at work, people not wanting to back you up, people impeding your progress, and the like, to name but a few.
People being run by their emotions are never fully trusted so when final decisions are made, these are the people most likely to miss out! Might not be fair, but that’s the way it happens.
The point is that in the real world, get your stuff handled and be in control of it and things will come your way.
Undercover Wife or Devious Trapper?
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Relationships and crisis go hand-in-hand. In a relationship crisis, it’s not about who is to blame, who was wrong, who hurt who. Finding blame actually makes it almost impossible to constructively deal with the crisis.
Relationships are the combined energy of all partners – warts and all. The ultimate connection (or disconnection) comes from the combined behaviours of the partners and breakdown is always a possibility at some time in all relationships.
In the early months, relationships usually feel effortless and exciting, but that’s not forever. Long-term success comes from the ongoing efforts of both partners, and to stay successful, relationships have to keep up with life’s changes as well as be the catalyst for even more change.
Because relationships, like everything else in the universe, are constantly changing, it’s inevitable that problems are going to occur. Unrealistic and unreasonable demands, unexplored expectations, unresolved issues, difficult patterns of behaviours and the like are the norm rather than the exception in every partnership.
And in every problem circumstance it is easy make someone wrong or right. The problem with doing so is that at the end of the day, it makes very little difference. Regardless of who or what is right or wrong, the relationship will do one of three things; it will progress forward, break down or stay stuck right where it is and go nowhere.
So when a suspicious wife creates a false ‘FaceBook’ identity, to catch out her husband and his cheating ways, what does she really achieve?
The morning radio discussions were as divided as they were varied.
“Because his behaviour was suspicious and the wife had seen an email from another female, her actions were warranted.”
“Because she falsely lured him with a fake ID and fake photos, having a good knowledge of how to seduce him, she was devious.”
“His wife should kick him out”
Everyone saw the cheating husband as being wrong and the wife’s actions as being vindicated given that her suspicions turned out to be correct.
Sadly, the outcome is a total marital breakdown and all this entails financially and emotionally for all members of the family. From now on, who was right and who was wrong no longer matters.
The family’s wealth is going to be used to fund one of the most emotionally devastating and financially destructive processes that our society today has to offer.
Wouldn’t it have been so much easier for this couple to sit down and have an emotionally honest discussion about what really matters? After all they were both in a relationship so lacking that it no longer served the emotional needs of either partner!
It’s possible that they were and still are ... Perfect Partners for each other!
Why Have an Affair?
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A new online service has just been ‘promoted’ on Australian TV encouraging husbands and wives to fool around, offering infidelity guaranteed in their promotional slogan 'Life is short, have an affair'.
The current affair program portrayed the site as offensive and questioned the site owner (and his wife) in terms of the morality and integrity to the institution of marriage and the two ‘committed’ partners.
This new site is not alone. There are other money-making affairs sites offering advice:
- Discreet affair advice and cheating tips so you don’t get caught having an extramarital affair.
- Having An Affair? Better Be Sure To Cover Your Tracks.
- Have An Affair and Get Some. Get In On The Action. Affairs Now!
- Looking for a place to take your mistress for the weekend? Trying to plan a secret rendezvous with your lover? If so, check out ABC News' list of the top 5 hotels for having an affair.
Let’s not be naive, this is the real world. Infidelity happens, like it or not and it happens for a reason. It is one of the strongest signals possible that the relationship is not complete. When people have affairs they are also saying, “this is not good enough for me and I want more than I am getting out of my relationship!”
There is now one certainty. Something is going to change.
The consequences are extreme, ranging from exhilaration, excitement, passion and romance, to damage, destruction, cruelty, pain and personal insult. Eventually the euphoria and passions subside and then you have to make a choice - “Shall I stay or shall I go back to where I come from?”
Whatever you do, nothing can ever really be the same again because if they are, you’re almost certain to find yourself in another affair in the near future. If you go back to your relationship, then whatever you were looking for in the affair needs to now come into your relationship. If you stay in the affair, then you’re going to now want a lot more than you’ve ever had before.
Extramarital affairs take energy. The lies, the sneaking around, the guilt all zaps the energy. Personally I see people have affairs to bring their relationship to crisis point. It’s now all or nothing and it can be the worst or best thing that ever happened!!
“A desire to have an affair, whether conscious or unconscious, is (in my opinion) a symptom of significant problems, but not necessarily an end to the relationship or an end in itself, and it can create more problems than it solves.” ANONYMOUS
Tiger Hunt
Tiger Woods and his wife are in the news and once again teaching the whole world about relationships. But what are we learning? The media treats this as a superstar who has been really caught out, in the process of ruining his otherwise perfect life.
This is a potentially happily married and very fortunate couple who are coming undone. For many its playing their own worst nightmares. While the world waits and watches ... will she go or will she leave ... lots of people hope that she leaves so that Tiger gets his "just desserts".
Of course in a marriage, infidelity is not a rare thing at all. It's very juicy though, especially when it's someone famous we portray to "have it all" because it generates lots of emotion which means that there's a good possibility that some really stupid decision likely to be made in the heat of the moment. Yet, handled properly,this could be the best thing that has ever happened to them both!
Some people can't understand why she's still there. There is of course a really good reason. DIVORCE DOESN'T WORK!! There's actually nothing in that process that helps any end up better off. That's why the majority of divorcees keep on getting divorced time and time again. Lots of pain, lots of destruction little if any gains.
If she goes now it solves nothing; Tiger won't be better off ... his wife won't be better off ... their kids won't be better off ... the media will probably sell a few more papers so it will suit them.
Tiger and his wife now need to work this through together. Tiger has a personal problem to deal with, that's no secret. His wife also has some personal stuff to deal with. Right now they can help each other much more that anyone else can. It takes "two to tango but only one to stuff up the dance". But the dance still has to go on.
Here we've got two people who now have the chance to be better than they've ever been before. All they've got to do is grow bigger than their problems and the best way to do that is with each other.
Divorce Doesn't Work!
Divorce doesn't work! Over the years I have worked with many couples as they contemplate that perennial question ... should I stay or should I go?
My advice is usually the same; stay with your partner! If you can keep your relationship together then do so because in the longer term staying put can work best for all concerned. I understand that it often seems impossible to stay together, and I also understand that you have every right to separate and divorce if you choose. The problem is that divorce doesn't work. Financially it's about the most costly thing you can do. Emotionally it is extremely painful and on the family front, creates lots of innocent victims
If you do choose to divorce, then do yourself a big favour. Find someone who can help you make this experience as positive as possible for your life. You see, unfortunately in the separation and divorce process, there is nothing whatsoever to help either person deal with the issues they need to deal with.
For a start the issue is not the other person. Sure it probably is the case that whenever you are near your 'loved one', you feel worse than when you're anywhere else, and that you feel lots of relief when you are away from this person. Therefore it makes dam good sense to separate because you're going to feel better right?
Well, no matter how bad the other person makes you feel, the problem is still yours. All the other person does is trigger these feelings in you. For whatever reason and whether you want it to happen or not, it's your 'loved one' that is the person most likely to trigger your issues into coming to the surface. Issues that were there long before you two ever met so wherever you go, all of your issues will come right along with you.
You might not recognize this at first because moving away from the trigger brings relief for a while at least. But you are not leaving the issues behind you're just leaving the current trigger behind. Further down the track another trigger will turn up in your life and so the cycle is destined to continue.
The most likely outcome? You end up feeling just as bad as ever (and even worse) and there's a 75% chance that you're going to do it again ... get divorced that is from the next significant other you feel like living the rest of your life with.
Thankfully there is a better way!!
How can I be sure of having fun on my holiday?
Christmas and New Year is our great festive season and this means holidays. Holidays means time off work and time with the family,
Sounds great for some, and for others it can be a private nightmare.
In all families lurking beneath the surface there is emotional baggage to be dealt with, and there’s nothing like time together to bring issue rushing to the surface.
Being away at work all day can protect you from the demands of constant family life. This can also protect the family from the you that gets pretty grumpy when things don't go your way.
We all have old baggage and all too easily the times arrives when it has to be dealt during holidays. During holidays, it’s the trials and tribulations of regular family life, day-in and day-out, that really puts the pressure on.
And to make matters even more difficult, often the baggage is not even about he actual family you're part of now, but instead they way back to your childhood times when you were living with your family of origin.
It’s just that the family you are living with now has the pleasure or the burden, whatever the case may be, to have you at home and expressing the remnants of your past.
And this can be really serious and tragic stuff, as evidenced by the rise in family violence and suicide during the holiday season, and it's more common than many of us like to think.
It is estimated that only about 25% of families do not have a family argument/conflict on that most joyous of days, Christmas Day.
So does this mean that underneath all of the joy and happiness that there’s something terribly wrong with most families?
Not really!
All families are full of disagreement, conflict and argument. Each member has their different needs and everyone wants their own way all the time. Not everyone can be satisfied all of the time of course.
What distinguishes the well-functioning family from the dysfunctional family is the way arguments, conflicts and disagreements are managed. In well-functioning families this is done so well that, what would have been a major source of disagreement that results in outbreaks of violence in a dysfunctional family, is handled in a friendly and productive family discussion of some sort.
So it's not the absence of potential problems that makes a family functional, but rather their combined ability to make each on of these experiences growthful.
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