Happily Ever After … Fact or Fantasy?

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Love is all I need to have a successful, happy relationship. Love is enough in the beginning, but after a while the relationship needs more. So there’s work to be done and if and your partner are unable to work together to grow and develop, the future can quickly become grim. Sure the songs we hear on the radio, televisions shows, and movies tell us that being blissfully in love is enough, but to be healthy, relationships in the longer term require much more than that.

Two people automatically grow closer with time. This is something that does in fact happen, but it’s not always a pleasant thing. When partners feel closer towards each another they are certainly going to come up against some rough spots and before ‘the wonderful’ comes, the challenges have to be conquered. Once you get over the challenges life is usually quite good ... at least for a while.

Children bring a couple together. The biggest challenge a marriage has to face is children. Wonderful and special as they are, they also bring pressure into the relationship and if something is not quite right, then children will really bring this to the surface. Its when the couple are able to resolve whatever it is, that they feel closer together. Statistically, couples with children have a slightly lower rate of divorce than childless couples.

I can change my partner. People change; however, the most accurate prediction of the kind of companion your partner will be in the future is the kind of companion he is right now. Those who marry a person with the intention of overhauling their personality or of converting them into something else invariably face serious disappointments. Great relationships are collaborative efforts in which both partners are dedicated to improving — as individuals and as a couple. The only person we can really change is our self.

It only takes one partner to wreck a relationship. The breakdown of any relationship is the responsibility of both partners. Healthy relationships serve the needs of both partners and it’s when this stops happening that the challenges begin. The relationship comes undone when both partners are unable to work together so that both partners have their needs met. Anything less than that is unacceptable in the longer-term and one or both partners are going to rebel in some way.

Being in a relationship will end loneliness. The fact is, many people in a relationship are still very lonely. Loneliness can also be the product of believing that no one understands you, so that you can have that "sick of being lonely" feeling even in a relationship. In fact, many married people describe themselves as lonely either because they are not emotionally close to their partner or because they depend on their partner for most or all social contacts.

A successful relationship is one where there is no conflict. Couples often enter a relationship believing that arguing is bad. They expect things to go smoothly, with maybe a few minor bumps along the way. Then they run into the familiar struggles over money, sex, children, or sharing responsibilities. If you don't recognise that all couples confront these problems, you may feel that something is wrong with your marriage. Quite possibly, the main problem has to do with harbouring unrealistic expectations and therefore feeling disappointed.

My partner should know what my needs are. In reality, most of us do rather poorly when we try to second guess someone else or try to “read their mind.” But the responsibility to let your spouse know what you need and want ultimately rests on you. Give your partner feedback and clues so he or she can have the information needed to make different choices.

Having a good relationship is just luck. The most common reasons couples have long-term marital success are commitment and companionship. They understand that their ‘happy’ marriage takes work, dedication and commitment to each other. The happiest couples are friends who share lives and have compatible interests and values.

Don’t fight in front of the children. It can be valuable for children to see their parents work through a disagreement with goodwill. Kids also need to learn the reality that even people who love each other don't always get along perfectly.

Undercover Wife or Devious Trapper?

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Relationships and crisis go hand-in-hand. In a relationship crisis, it’s not about who is to blame, who was wrong, who hurt who. Finding blame actually makes it almost impossible to constructively deal with the crisis.

Relationships are the combined energy of all partners – warts and all. The ultimate connection (or disconnection) comes from the combined behaviours of the partners and breakdown is always a possibility at some time in all relationships.

In the early months, relationships usually feel effortless and exciting, but that’s not forever. Long-term success comes from the ongoing efforts of both partners, and to stay successful, relationships have to keep up with life’s changes as well as be the catalyst for even more change.

Because relationships, like everything else in the universe, are constantly changing, it’s inevitable that problems are going to occur. Unrealistic and unreasonable demands, unexplored expectations, unresolved issues, difficult patterns of behaviours and the like are the norm rather than the exception in every partnership.

And in every problem circumstance it is easy make someone wrong or right. The problem with doing so is that at the end of the day, it makes very little difference. Regardless of who or what is right or wrong, the relationship will do one of three things; it will progress forward, break down or stay stuck right where it is and go nowhere.

So when a suspicious wife creates a false ‘FaceBook’ identity, to catch out her husband and his cheating ways, what does she really achieve?

The morning radio discussions were as divided as they were varied.

“Because his behaviour was suspicious and the wife had seen an email from another female, her actions were warranted.”

“Because she falsely lured him with a fake ID and fake photos, having a good knowledge of how to seduce him, she was devious.”

“His wife should kick him out”

Everyone saw the cheating husband as being wrong and the wife’s actions as being vindicated given that her suspicions turned out to be correct.

Sadly, the outcome is a total marital breakdown and all this entails financially and emotionally for all members of the family. From now on, who was right and who was wrong no longer matters.

The family’s wealth is going to be used to fund one of the most emotionally devastating and financially destructive processes that our society today has to offer.

Wouldn’t it have been so much easier for this couple to sit down and have an emotionally honest discussion about what really matters? After all they were both in a relationship so lacking that it no longer served the emotional needs of either partner!

It’s possible that they were and still are ... Perfect Partners for each other!

Why Have an Affair?

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A new online service has just been ‘promoted’ on Australian TV encouraging husbands and wives to fool around, offering infidelity guaranteed in their promotional slogan 'Life is short, have an affair'.

The current affair program portrayed the site as offensive and questioned the site owner (and his wife) in terms of the morality and integrity to the institution of marriage and the two ‘committed’ partners.

This new site is not alone. There are other money-making affairs sites offering advice:

• Discreet affair advice and cheating tips so you don’t get caught having an extramarital affair.

• Having An Affair? Better Be Sure To Cover Your Tracks.

• Have An Affair and Get Some. Get In On The Action. Affairs Now!

• Looking for a place to take your mistress for the weekend? Trying to plan a secret rendezvous with your lover? If so, check out ABC News' list of the top 5 hotels for having an affair.

Let’s not be naive, this is the real world. Infidelity happens, like it or not and it happens for a reason. It is one of the strongest signals possible that the relationship is not complete. When people have affairs they are also saying, “this is not good enough for me and I want more than I am getting out of my relationship!”

There is now one certainty. Something is going to change.

The consequences are extreme, ranging from exhilaration, excitement, passion and romance, to damage, destruction, cruelty, pain and personal insult. Eventually the euphoria and passions subside and then you have to make a choice - “Shall I stay or shall I go back to where I come from?”

Whatever you do, nothing can ever really be the same again because if they are, you’re almost certain to find yourself in another affair in the near future. If you go back to your relationship, then whatever you were looking for in the affair needs to now come into your relationship. If you stay in the affair, then you’re going to now want a lot more than you’ve ever had before.

Extramarital affairs take energy. The lies, the sneaking around, the guilt all zaps the energy. Personally I see people have affairs to bring their relationship to crisis point. It’s now all or nothing and it can be the worst or best thing that ever happened!!

“A desire to have an affair, whether conscious or unconscious, is (in my opinion) a symptom of significant problems, but not necessarily an end to the relationship or an end in itself, and it can create more problems than it solves.” ANONYMOUS

Tiger Hunt

Tiger Woods and his wife are in the news and once again teaching the whole world about relationships. But what are we learning? The media treats this as a superstar who has been really caught out, in the process of ruining his otherwise perfect life.

This is a potentially happily married and very fortunate couple who are coming undone. For many its playing their own worst nightmares. While the world waits and watches ... will she go or will she leave ... lots of people hope that she leaves so that Tiger gets his "just desserts".

Of course in a marriage, infidelity is not a rare thing at all. It's very juicy though, especially when it's someone famous we portray to "have it all" because it generates lots of emotion which means that there's a good possibility that some really stupid decision likely to be made in the heat of the moment. Yet, handled properly,this could be the best thing that has ever happened to them both!

Some people can't understand why she's still there. There is of course a really good reason. DIVORCE DOESN'T WORK!! There's actually nothing in that process that helps any end up better off. That's why the majority of divorcees keep on getting divorced time and time again. Lots of pain, lots of destruction little if any gains.

If she goes now it solves nothing; Tiger won't be better off ... his wife won't be better off ... their kids won't be better off ... the media will probably sell a few more papers so it will suit them.

Tiger and his wife now need to work this through together. Tiger has a personal problem to deal with, that's no secret. His wife also has some personal stuff to deal with. Right now they can help each other much more that anyone else can. It takes "two to tango but only one to stuff up the dance". But the dance still has to go on.

Here we've got two people who now have the chance to be better than they've ever been before. All they've got to do is grow bigger than their problems and the best way to do that is with each other.

Divorce Doesn't Work!

Divorce doesn't work! Over the years I have worked with many couples as they contemplate that perennial question ... should I stay or should I go?

My advice is usually the same; stay with your partner! If you can keep your relationship together then do so because in the longer term staying put can work best for all concerned. I understand that it often seems impossible to stay together, and I also understand that you have every right to separate and divorce if you choose. The problem is that divorce doesn't work. Financially it's about the most costly thing you can do. Emotionally it is extremely painful and on the family front, creates lots of innocent victims

If you do choose to divorce, then do yourself a big favour. Find someone who can help you make this experience as positive as possible for your life. You see, unfortunately in the separation and divorce process, there is nothing whatsoever to help either person deal with the issues they need to deal with.

For a start the issue is not the other person. Sure it probably is the case that whenever you are near your 'loved one', you feel worse than when you're anywhere else, and that you feel lots of relief when you are away from this person. Therefore it makes dam good sense to separate because you're going to feel better right?

Well, no matter how bad the other person makes you feel, the problem is still yours. All the other person does is trigger these feelings in you. For whatever reason and whether you want it to happen or not, it's your 'loved one' that is the person most likely to trigger your issues into coming to the surface. Issues that were there long before you two ever met so wherever you go, all of your issues will come right along with you.

You might not recognize this at first because moving away from the trigger brings relief for a while at least. But you are not leaving the issues behind you're just leaving the current trigger behind. Further down the track another trigger will turn up in your life and so the cycle is destined to continue.

The most likely outcome? You end up feeling just as bad as ever (and even worse) and there's a 75% chance that you're going to do it again ... get divorced that is from the next significant other you feel like living the rest of your life with.

Thankfully there is a better way!!

Life is a struggle ...

Life is a struggle, so it is said. But what comes out of the struggle is everything wonderful in our life. We may struggle to get rid of our problems, in the fantasy that if could get rid of them all, then everything would be fantastic.

"If only I can have a new relationship with someone who truly understands me then things will be great". "If only my children behave themselves then I will have a wonderful life". "If only I have more money, then my problems will all be over". And so on ...

But problem-free is just not possible. Solve one problem and you've got another. Deal with one issue and you've got a host of new issues to deal with.

Every time you solve problems, the next set of problems is bigger and more complex than the ones just solved.

"My problem is that I live alone and I am lonely". So I get married and the lonliness problem is now solved, but hey life is anything but problem free now!!

Problems, in one form or another, are a fact of absolutely everyone's life, all of the time. Perhaps that's why we are such great problem solvers. We are collectively addicted to finding problems and solving them. Without problems to solve, life is all but meaningless. without problems we have nothing to do ... we have no reason to drive ourselves forward ... we have nothing daring us to become even greater.

Our problems then are our constant motivation to grow and develop. That's why happy people are those who are constantly solving problems, while unhappy people are those who are stuck on the same old problems year in and year out.

It stands to reason then that the greatest gifts you can potentially receive are most likely to come from those who you regard as the source of your greatest problems!

Relationships at Work

Here's one of the great paradox's of life. The ones we love the most, the ones we spend the most time with, the ones who mean the most to us, are the very ones that we treat like junk at times! We seem to reserve both our best and worst behaviors for the people we love the most!

You see in all loving relationships eventually things 'unlike love' come up sooner or later. Of course some people do manage to pretend that they just don't have that sort of stuff in them. But usually this pretending comes with a huge price tag, like some sort of illness or an emotional dysfunction somewhere, either with you or even someone who is very close to you.

The point being made is this. The good and the bad always come together. That's just a part of the deal of being in a 'happy and healthy relationship with anybody. Sooner or later, the junk's going to show itself.

If you have a successful relationship then you and the one you love are going to have challenges to deal with. If you are in an unsuccessful relationship then you and the one you love are going to be challenged by something, and you'll be having lots of trouble dealing with it.

And that's essentially the difference between relationships that work compared to relationships that don't work. It's not about the sort of problems that they have.

Great relationships deal with their challenges, whereas failing relationships get stuck and can't move forward when they come up against a challenge.