Life is a struggle, so it is said. But what comes out of the struggle is everything wonderful in our life. We may struggle to get rid of our problems, in the fantasy that if could get rid of them all, then everything would be fantastic.
"If only I can have a new relationship with someone who truly understands me then things will be great". "If only my children behave themselves then I will have a wonderful life". "If only I have more money, then my problems will all be over". And so on ...
But problem-free is just not possible. Solve one problem and you've got another. Deal with one issue and you've got a host of new issues to deal with.
Every time you solve problems, the next set of problems is bigger and more complex than the ones just solved.
"My problem is that I live alone and I am lonely". So I get married and the lonliness problem is now solved, but hey life is anything but problem free now!!
Problems, in one form or another, are a fact of absolutely everyone's life, all of the time. Perhaps that's why we are such great problem solvers. We are collectively addicted to finding problems and solving them. Without problems to solve, life is all but meaningless. without problems we have nothing to do ... we have no reason to drive ourselves forward ... we have nothing daring us to become even greater.
Our problems then are our constant motivation to grow and develop. That's why happy people are those who are constantly solving problems, while unhappy people are those who are stuck on the same old problems year in and year out.
It stands to reason then that the greatest gifts you can potentially receive are most likely to come from those who you regard as the source of your greatest problems!
Relationships at Work
Here's one of the great paradox's of life. The ones we love the most, the ones we spend the most time with, the ones who mean the most to us, are the very ones that we treat like junk at times! We seem to reserve both our best and worst behaviors for the people we love the most!
You see in all loving relationships eventually things 'unlike love' come up sooner or later. Of course some people do manage to pretend that they just don't have that sort of stuff in them. But usually this pretending comes with a huge price tag, like some sort of illness or an emotional dysfunction somewhere, either with you or even someone who is very close to you.
The point being made is this. The good and the bad always come together. That's just a part of the deal of being in a 'happy and healthy relationship with anybody. Sooner or later, the junk's going to show itself.
If you have a successful relationship then you and the one you love are going to have challenges to deal with. If you are in an unsuccessful relationship then you and the one you love are going to be challenged by something, and you'll be having lots of trouble dealing with it.
And that's essentially the difference between relationships that work compared to relationships that don't work. It's not about the sort of problems that they have.
Great relationships deal with their challenges, whereas failing relationships get stuck and can't move forward when they come up against a challenge.
You see in all loving relationships eventually things 'unlike love' come up sooner or later. Of course some people do manage to pretend that they just don't have that sort of stuff in them. But usually this pretending comes with a huge price tag, like some sort of illness or an emotional dysfunction somewhere, either with you or even someone who is very close to you.
The point being made is this. The good and the bad always come together. That's just a part of the deal of being in a 'happy and healthy relationship with anybody. Sooner or later, the junk's going to show itself.
If you have a successful relationship then you and the one you love are going to have challenges to deal with. If you are in an unsuccessful relationship then you and the one you love are going to be challenged by something, and you'll be having lots of trouble dealing with it.
And that's essentially the difference between relationships that work compared to relationships that don't work. It's not about the sort of problems that they have.
Great relationships deal with their challenges, whereas failing relationships get stuck and can't move forward when they come up against a challenge.
Blame
Have you ever noticed that when something goes wrong, one of the first things people do is look for someone to blame. Now without doubt it is very useful to find out precisely why something went wrong. Otherwise how can we do it in a way that is more likely to work out next time.
But finding out what went wrong is a different thing to blaming someone for doing something wrong.
When you blame someone for making a mistake you are literally passing judgment on that person. And that, to many people, becomes a 'red rag' worthy of an immediate defensive response.
The way the other person is likely to see it is something like ... "if I have to take the blame then that means I am not up-to-scratch, and it if I am not up-to-scratch then I'll be viewed as incompetent. Now who knows where that little number will lead?"
So the first reaction of the person who has been blamed is commonly an instinctive need to take urgent action to shift the focus somewhere else. Once shifting the blame begins it can take on a life all of its own.
Effective communication takes a nose-dive because now, rather than seeking a better and more productive way for next time ... "I have to make sure that the blame doesn't stop with me"
The need to find a solution so that the mistake/error is less likely to happen again gets lost. Instead, the cycle continues and grows to the point where the 'Blame Culture' reigns supreme.
Most commonly, solutions are found not in people but in systems. With practice and the right policies, systems can be developed that bring about a solutions based culture that focuses first on the systems rather than the people.
But finding out what went wrong is a different thing to blaming someone for doing something wrong.
When you blame someone for making a mistake you are literally passing judgment on that person. And that, to many people, becomes a 'red rag' worthy of an immediate defensive response.
The way the other person is likely to see it is something like ... "if I have to take the blame then that means I am not up-to-scratch, and it if I am not up-to-scratch then I'll be viewed as incompetent. Now who knows where that little number will lead?"
So the first reaction of the person who has been blamed is commonly an instinctive need to take urgent action to shift the focus somewhere else. Once shifting the blame begins it can take on a life all of its own.
Effective communication takes a nose-dive because now, rather than seeking a better and more productive way for next time ... "I have to make sure that the blame doesn't stop with me"
The need to find a solution so that the mistake/error is less likely to happen again gets lost. Instead, the cycle continues and grows to the point where the 'Blame Culture' reigns supreme.
Most commonly, solutions are found not in people but in systems. With practice and the right policies, systems can be developed that bring about a solutions based culture that focuses first on the systems rather than the people.
Change
What is a secret for Change. When we talk about 'secrets' we are usually talking about things that are potentially obvious but for some reason we just fail to put the pieces of information together. When we eventually do see it for what it really is we have what is often called the "ah ahhhhh experience", which is short for ... "Ah ahhhh now I understand."
So here's a secret about achieving changes in your life; Small changes are likely to make the largest differences, and the opposite often has a habit of being true also.
So how does this work? Let's take an example of deciding that we are going to quit our job and begin a new business doing something we really like doing!
As we keep thinking about this we soon realise the ever increasing risks that this entails. We're likely to find ourselves still thinking about it, but taking no action because it has all become too overwhelming.
On the other hand, if we decide instead to keep working in our job and in our spare time purchase a few widgets wholesale from Ebay and re-sell them individually for a higher price, the chances are high that we'll give this a go.
Obviously this is because the risks are lower and failure unlikely to devastate. Of course the 'Ebay Option' can turn into something huge if we're good enough (as indeed it already has for many people) while the 'Quit-My-Job Option' is likely to become a state of eternal procrastination!
The principle at work here: Small changes are more likely to happen than large changes and putting lots of small changes together is an effective way of achieving large major changes in your life.
So here's a secret about achieving changes in your life; Small changes are likely to make the largest differences, and the opposite often has a habit of being true also.
So how does this work? Let's take an example of deciding that we are going to quit our job and begin a new business doing something we really like doing!
As we keep thinking about this we soon realise the ever increasing risks that this entails. We're likely to find ourselves still thinking about it, but taking no action because it has all become too overwhelming.
On the other hand, if we decide instead to keep working in our job and in our spare time purchase a few widgets wholesale from Ebay and re-sell them individually for a higher price, the chances are high that we'll give this a go.
Obviously this is because the risks are lower and failure unlikely to devastate. Of course the 'Ebay Option' can turn into something huge if we're good enough (as indeed it already has for many people) while the 'Quit-My-Job Option' is likely to become a state of eternal procrastination!
The principle at work here: Small changes are more likely to happen than large changes and putting lots of small changes together is an effective way of achieving large major changes in your life.
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