Divorce Doesn't Work!

Divorce doesn't work! Over the years I have worked with many couples as they contemplate that perennial question ... should I stay or should I go?

My advice is usually the same; stay with your partner! If you can keep your relationship together then do so because in the longer term staying put can work best for all concerned. I understand that it often seems impossible to stay together, and I also understand that you have every right to separate and divorce if you choose. The problem is that divorce doesn't work. Financially it's about the most costly thing you can do. Emotionally it is extremely painful and on the family front, creates lots of innocent victims

If you do choose to divorce, then do yourself a big favour. Find someone who can help you make this experience as positive as possible for your life. You see, unfortunately in the separation and divorce process, there is nothing whatsoever to help either person deal with the issues they need to deal with.

For a start the issue is not the other person. Sure it probably is the case that whenever you are near your 'loved one', you feel worse than when you're anywhere else, and that you feel lots of relief when you are away from this person. Therefore it makes dam good sense to separate because you're going to feel better right?

Well, no matter how bad the other person makes you feel, the problem is still yours. All the other person does is trigger these feelings in you. For whatever reason and whether you want it to happen or not, it's your 'loved one' that is the person most likely to trigger your issues into coming to the surface. Issues that were there long before you two ever met so wherever you go, all of your issues will come right along with you.

You might not recognize this at first because moving away from the trigger brings relief for a while at least. But you are not leaving the issues behind you're just leaving the current trigger behind. Further down the track another trigger will turn up in your life and so the cycle is destined to continue.

The most likely outcome? You end up feeling just as bad as ever (and even worse) and there's a 75% chance that you're going to do it again ... get divorced that is from the next significant other you feel like living the rest of your life with.

Thankfully there is a better way!!

How can I be sure of having fun on my holiday?

Christmas and New Year is our great festive season and this means holidays. Holidays means time off work and time with the family,

Sounds great for some, and for others it can be a private nightmare.

In all families lurking beneath the surface there is emotional baggage to be dealt with, and there’s nothing like time together to bring issue rushing to the surface.

Being away at work all day can protect you from the demands of constant family life. This can also protect the family from the you that gets pretty grumpy when things don't go your way.

We all have old baggage and all too easily the times arrives when it has to be dealt during holidays. During holidays, it’s the trials and tribulations of regular family life, day-in and day-out, that really puts the pressure on.

And to make matters even more difficult, often the baggage is not even about he actual family you're part of now, but instead they way back to your childhood times when you were living with your family of origin.

It’s just that the family you are living with now has the pleasure or the burden, whatever the case may be, to have you at home and expressing the remnants of your past.

And this can be really serious and tragic stuff, as evidenced by the rise in family violence and suicide during the holiday season, and it's more common than many of us like to think.

It is estimated that only about 25% of families do not have a family argument/conflict on that most joyous of days, Christmas Day.

So does this mean that underneath all of the joy and happiness that there’s something terribly wrong with most families?

Not really!

All families are full of disagreement, conflict and argument. Each member has their different needs and everyone wants their own way all the time. Not everyone can be satisfied all of the time of course.

What distinguishes the well-functioning family from the dysfunctional family is the way arguments, conflicts and disagreements are managed. In well-functioning families this is done so well that, what would have been a major source of disagreement that results in outbreaks of violence in a dysfunctional family, is handled in a friendly and productive family discussion of some sort.

So it's not the absence of potential problems that makes a family functional, but rather their combined ability to make each on of these experiences growthful.