Penn't Up Anger

So Sean Penn is in the news again for an emotional outburst. The gossip has it that he had some sort of altercation with Greg Shapiro the current partner of his former wife, and new Oscar winner, at an Oscar after-party. I don’t think Penn’s behaviour is cool in any way and he would do well to do something about it!

Penn declined to attend the all important Governor’s Ball, held later in the evening. As a past Oscar winner, he would have been one of the chosen ‘elite’ to be there but again, chances of him running into Shaper at the ball was on the cards.

In February this year, Penn, 49, was charged with misdemeanour battery and vandalism following an incident involving the photographer in October last year.

What most people don’t realise is that with a bit of work, people can beat the outburst before they even happen. Penn has a history of violent confrontations with photographers and he is a person making some pretty poor decisions because of his emotions.

I think if I were to ask Sean Penn if his worst decisions were made during times of high emotions, he’d probably say yes and he is certainly paying a heavy price for his actions.

Emotions are a great resource when you have them under control. But when they take over, things can get very messy. The problem is that what seems to feel like a great idea at the time, too often turns out to be intellectually stupid when the dust settles. Once we ‘cool down’ we very quickly see the outburst for what it really was; an emotional expression of patterns of behaviour which we can trace all the way back to when we were developing children, so when our emotions take us, the adult, over we end up acting like a child.

Apart from being a bit embarrassing, out of control emotions are a very destructive way to live. The damage includes things like being passed over for higher positions at work, people not wanting to back you up, people impeding your progress, and the like, to name but a few.

People being run by their emotions are never fully trusted so when final decisions are made, these are the people most likely to miss out! Might not be fair, but that’s the way it happens.

The point is that in the real world, get your stuff handled and be in control of it and things will come your way.

Undercover Wife or Devious Trapper?

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Relationships and crisis go hand-in-hand. In a relationship crisis, it’s not about who is to blame, who was wrong, who hurt who. Finding blame actually makes it almost impossible to constructively deal with the crisis.

Relationships are the combined energy of all partners – warts and all. The ultimate connection (or disconnection) comes from the combined behaviours of the partners and breakdown is always a possibility at some time in all relationships.

In the early months, relationships usually feel effortless and exciting, but that’s not forever. Long-term success comes from the ongoing efforts of both partners, and to stay successful, relationships have to keep up with life’s changes as well as be the catalyst for even more change.

Because relationships, like everything else in the universe, are constantly changing, it’s inevitable that problems are going to occur. Unrealistic and unreasonable demands, unexplored expectations, unresolved issues, difficult patterns of behaviours and the like are the norm rather than the exception in every partnership.

And in every problem circumstance it is easy make someone wrong or right. The problem with doing so is that at the end of the day, it makes very little difference. Regardless of who or what is right or wrong, the relationship will do one of three things; it will progress forward, break down or stay stuck right where it is and go nowhere.

So when a suspicious wife creates a false ‘FaceBook’ identity, to catch out her husband and his cheating ways, what does she really achieve?

The morning radio discussions were as divided as they were varied.

“Because his behaviour was suspicious and the wife had seen an email from another female, her actions were warranted.”

“Because she falsely lured him with a fake ID and fake photos, having a good knowledge of how to seduce him, she was devious.”

“His wife should kick him out”

Everyone saw the cheating husband as being wrong and the wife’s actions as being vindicated given that her suspicions turned out to be correct.

Sadly, the outcome is a total marital breakdown and all this entails financially and emotionally for all members of the family. From now on, who was right and who was wrong no longer matters.

The family’s wealth is going to be used to fund one of the most emotionally devastating and financially destructive processes that our society today has to offer.

Wouldn’t it have been so much easier for this couple to sit down and have an emotionally honest discussion about what really matters? After all they were both in a relationship so lacking that it no longer served the emotional needs of either partner!

It’s possible that they were and still are ... Perfect Partners for each other!

Why Have an Affair?

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A new online service has just been ‘promoted’ on Australian TV encouraging husbands and wives to fool around, offering infidelity guaranteed in their promotional slogan 'Life is short, have an affair'.

The current affair program portrayed the site as offensive and questioned the site owner (and his wife) in terms of the morality and integrity to the institution of marriage and the two ‘committed’ partners.

This new site is not alone. There are other money-making affairs sites offering advice:

• Discreet affair advice and cheating tips so you don’t get caught having an extramarital affair.

• Having An Affair? Better Be Sure To Cover Your Tracks.

• Have An Affair and Get Some. Get In On The Action. Affairs Now!

• Looking for a place to take your mistress for the weekend? Trying to plan a secret rendezvous with your lover? If so, check out ABC News' list of the top 5 hotels for having an affair.

Let’s not be naive, this is the real world. Infidelity happens, like it or not and it happens for a reason. It is one of the strongest signals possible that the relationship is not complete. When people have affairs they are also saying, “this is not good enough for me and I want more than I am getting out of my relationship!”

There is now one certainty. Something is going to change.

The consequences are extreme, ranging from exhilaration, excitement, passion and romance, to damage, destruction, cruelty, pain and personal insult. Eventually the euphoria and passions subside and then you have to make a choice - “Shall I stay or shall I go back to where I come from?”

Whatever you do, nothing can ever really be the same again because if they are, you’re almost certain to find yourself in another affair in the near future. If you go back to your relationship, then whatever you were looking for in the affair needs to now come into your relationship. If you stay in the affair, then you’re going to now want a lot more than you’ve ever had before.

Extramarital affairs take energy. The lies, the sneaking around, the guilt all zaps the energy. Personally I see people have affairs to bring their relationship to crisis point. It’s now all or nothing and it can be the worst or best thing that ever happened!!

“A desire to have an affair, whether conscious or unconscious, is (in my opinion) a symptom of significant problems, but not necessarily an end to the relationship or an end in itself, and it can create more problems than it solves.” ANONYMOUS

Tiger Hunt

Tiger Woods and his wife are in the news and once again teaching the whole world about relationships. But what are we learning? The media treats this as a superstar who has been really caught out, in the process of ruining his otherwise perfect life.

This is a potentially happily married and very fortunate couple who are coming undone. For many its playing their own worst nightmares. While the world waits and watches ... will she go or will she leave ... lots of people hope that she leaves so that Tiger gets his "just desserts".

Of course in a marriage, infidelity is not a rare thing at all. It's very juicy though, especially when it's someone famous we portray to "have it all" because it generates lots of emotion which means that there's a good possibility that some really stupid decision likely to be made in the heat of the moment. Yet, handled properly,this could be the best thing that has ever happened to them both!

Some people can't understand why she's still there. There is of course a really good reason. DIVORCE DOESN'T WORK!! There's actually nothing in that process that helps any end up better off. That's why the majority of divorcees keep on getting divorced time and time again. Lots of pain, lots of destruction little if any gains.

If she goes now it solves nothing; Tiger won't be better off ... his wife won't be better off ... their kids won't be better off ... the media will probably sell a few more papers so it will suit them.

Tiger and his wife now need to work this through together. Tiger has a personal problem to deal with, that's no secret. His wife also has some personal stuff to deal with. Right now they can help each other much more that anyone else can. It takes "two to tango but only one to stuff up the dance". But the dance still has to go on.

Here we've got two people who now have the chance to be better than they've ever been before. All they've got to do is grow bigger than their problems and the best way to do that is with each other.