Why Have an Affair?

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A new online service has just been ‘promoted’ on Australian TV encouraging husbands and wives to fool around, offering infidelity guaranteed in their promotional slogan 'Life is short, have an affair'.

The current affair program portrayed the site as offensive and questioned the site owner (and his wife) in terms of the morality and integrity to the institution of marriage and the two ‘committed’ partners.

This new site is not alone. There are other money-making affairs sites offering advice:

• Discreet affair advice and cheating tips so you don’t get caught having an extramarital affair.

• Having An Affair? Better Be Sure To Cover Your Tracks.

• Have An Affair and Get Some. Get In On The Action. Affairs Now!

• Looking for a place to take your mistress for the weekend? Trying to plan a secret rendezvous with your lover? If so, check out ABC News' list of the top 5 hotels for having an affair.

Let’s not be naive, this is the real world. Infidelity happens, like it or not and it happens for a reason. It is one of the strongest signals possible that the relationship is not complete. When people have affairs they are also saying, “this is not good enough for me and I want more than I am getting out of my relationship!”

There is now one certainty. Something is going to change.

The consequences are extreme, ranging from exhilaration, excitement, passion and romance, to damage, destruction, cruelty, pain and personal insult. Eventually the euphoria and passions subside and then you have to make a choice - “Shall I stay or shall I go back to where I come from?”

Whatever you do, nothing can ever really be the same again because if they are, you’re almost certain to find yourself in another affair in the near future. If you go back to your relationship, then whatever you were looking for in the affair needs to now come into your relationship. If you stay in the affair, then you’re going to now want a lot more than you’ve ever had before.

Extramarital affairs take energy. The lies, the sneaking around, the guilt all zaps the energy. Personally I see people have affairs to bring their relationship to crisis point. It’s now all or nothing and it can be the worst or best thing that ever happened!!

“A desire to have an affair, whether conscious or unconscious, is (in my opinion) a symptom of significant problems, but not necessarily an end to the relationship or an end in itself, and it can create more problems than it solves.” ANONYMOUS

Tiger Hunt

Tiger Woods and his wife are in the news and once again teaching the whole world about relationships. But what are we learning? The media treats this as a superstar who has been really caught out, in the process of ruining his otherwise perfect life.

This is a potentially happily married and very fortunate couple who are coming undone. For many its playing their own worst nightmares. While the world waits and watches ... will she go or will she leave ... lots of people hope that she leaves so that Tiger gets his "just desserts".

Of course in a marriage, infidelity is not a rare thing at all. It's very juicy though, especially when it's someone famous we portray to "have it all" because it generates lots of emotion which means that there's a good possibility that some really stupid decision likely to be made in the heat of the moment. Yet, handled properly,this could be the best thing that has ever happened to them both!

Some people can't understand why she's still there. There is of course a really good reason. DIVORCE DOESN'T WORK!! There's actually nothing in that process that helps any end up better off. That's why the majority of divorcees keep on getting divorced time and time again. Lots of pain, lots of destruction little if any gains.

If she goes now it solves nothing; Tiger won't be better off ... his wife won't be better off ... their kids won't be better off ... the media will probably sell a few more papers so it will suit them.

Tiger and his wife now need to work this through together. Tiger has a personal problem to deal with, that's no secret. His wife also has some personal stuff to deal with. Right now they can help each other much more that anyone else can. It takes "two to tango but only one to stuff up the dance". But the dance still has to go on.

Here we've got two people who now have the chance to be better than they've ever been before. All they've got to do is grow bigger than their problems and the best way to do that is with each other.

Divorce Doesn't Work!

Divorce doesn't work! Over the years I have worked with many couples as they contemplate that perennial question ... should I stay or should I go?

My advice is usually the same; stay with your partner! If you can keep your relationship together then do so because in the longer term staying put can work best for all concerned. I understand that it often seems impossible to stay together, and I also understand that you have every right to separate and divorce if you choose. The problem is that divorce doesn't work. Financially it's about the most costly thing you can do. Emotionally it is extremely painful and on the family front, creates lots of innocent victims

If you do choose to divorce, then do yourself a big favour. Find someone who can help you make this experience as positive as possible for your life. You see, unfortunately in the separation and divorce process, there is nothing whatsoever to help either person deal with the issues they need to deal with.

For a start the issue is not the other person. Sure it probably is the case that whenever you are near your 'loved one', you feel worse than when you're anywhere else, and that you feel lots of relief when you are away from this person. Therefore it makes dam good sense to separate because you're going to feel better right?

Well, no matter how bad the other person makes you feel, the problem is still yours. All the other person does is trigger these feelings in you. For whatever reason and whether you want it to happen or not, it's your 'loved one' that is the person most likely to trigger your issues into coming to the surface. Issues that were there long before you two ever met so wherever you go, all of your issues will come right along with you.

You might not recognize this at first because moving away from the trigger brings relief for a while at least. But you are not leaving the issues behind you're just leaving the current trigger behind. Further down the track another trigger will turn up in your life and so the cycle is destined to continue.

The most likely outcome? You end up feeling just as bad as ever (and even worse) and there's a 75% chance that you're going to do it again ... get divorced that is from the next significant other you feel like living the rest of your life with.

Thankfully there is a better way!!

How can I be sure of having fun on my holiday?

Christmas and New Year is our great festive season and this means holidays. Holidays means time off work and time with the family,

Sounds great for some, and for others it can be a private nightmare.

In all families lurking beneath the surface there is emotional baggage to be dealt with, and there’s nothing like time together to bring issue rushing to the surface.

Being away at work all day can protect you from the demands of constant family life. This can also protect the family from the you that gets pretty grumpy when things don't go your way.

We all have old baggage and all too easily the times arrives when it has to be dealt during holidays. During holidays, it’s the trials and tribulations of regular family life, day-in and day-out, that really puts the pressure on.

And to make matters even more difficult, often the baggage is not even about he actual family you're part of now, but instead they way back to your childhood times when you were living with your family of origin.

It’s just that the family you are living with now has the pleasure or the burden, whatever the case may be, to have you at home and expressing the remnants of your past.

And this can be really serious and tragic stuff, as evidenced by the rise in family violence and suicide during the holiday season, and it's more common than many of us like to think.

It is estimated that only about 25% of families do not have a family argument/conflict on that most joyous of days, Christmas Day.

So does this mean that underneath all of the joy and happiness that there’s something terribly wrong with most families?

Not really!

All families are full of disagreement, conflict and argument. Each member has their different needs and everyone wants their own way all the time. Not everyone can be satisfied all of the time of course.

What distinguishes the well-functioning family from the dysfunctional family is the way arguments, conflicts and disagreements are managed. In well-functioning families this is done so well that, what would have been a major source of disagreement that results in outbreaks of violence in a dysfunctional family, is handled in a friendly and productive family discussion of some sort.

So it's not the absence of potential problems that makes a family functional, but rather their combined ability to make each on of these experiences growthful.